This 2024-2025 has been tough. Even before my brother Neil passed away. At the end of 2023 I decided to join Power to Change. 2024 was a year full of change, the end of 2024 was tragedy, and 2025 started with everything catching up with me. It hasn’t all been negative though… but in this post I wanted to focus on the struggles.
Changing vocations
I expected that changing from working as an IT Manager and web developer at Creation Ministries International (CMI - creation.com) to a University Campus Missionary with Power to Change wouldn’t be easy. I didn’t expect it to be this hard though.
I was blessed to have close friends that I could rely on during this time, I didn’t expect to have to rely on them so much though, I thought I might just need a space to vent, not a spot to crash land. It was God’s providence that I was able to be intentional in asking them before all this change.
One of the biggest struggles in changing vocations was accepting that I wouldn’t feel as effective or productive. At CMI I was felt like a superstar of sorts, churning out code, fixes, meetings and decisions that I felt really good about. I had plenty of energy afterwards for socialising as well which I made plenty of use of (so much so that my family nicknamed me “Social Butterfly”).
I’m still in the journey of working out why I am lacking energy and struggling with my effectiveness. This very likely may be ADHD though. Hoping to be sure soon though.
What this means for me going forward I’m not really sure, with a holistic approach for coping with ADHD I may have more success, but this is still limited and feels like I’m fighting the inevitable. I still see myself heavily involved with ministry, just not sure in what role or mixture of roles.
This underlying unsatisfaction in my productivity and constant energy drain have been a big struggle.
Financial struggles
Creation Ministries was a non-profit and I was compensated accordingly. It was solid, but not stellar. However, joining Power to Change meant that I would need to find a team of financial partners to meet a monthly financial goal for myself. When I set this goal, I was single, didn’t have any pressing financial needs, didn’t recognize that I would be earning part-time in my season of finding a team of partners (~6 months), and wanted to get started as soon as possible. This resulted in me setting a lower goal, fortunately Power to Change encouraged me to increase this a little, otherwise it would’ve been so much worse.
However, the season of earning part-time, driving a lot, unexpectedly starting to date meant that my expenses went up and my income went down.
The situation only worsened at the end of the year as I made 2 unplanned trips to Perth after my brother passed away. Some of my lovely friends and colleagues where incredibly generous and helped out immensely both monetarily and emotionally.
It continued getting worse as my car ran into a few issues and needed unexpected repairs. I was blessed by having a Christian mechanic come to my rescue.
I had pressure both internally and externally to buy a property as I got married. This didn’t help either as my cash in from Power to Change was not nearly as high as it would need to afford a mortgage.
I wanted to get married half-decently. And having some funds for a honeymoon and basic wedding stuff was needed to make this a reality.
This all led to me experiencing financial stress.
ADHD
I knew I was a little bit weird. I loved to bounce my leg, was always busy, had obsessive interests, and struggled to do things that were important.
At my time at CMI though, I coped as most of my work was related to my big interests in web development, design, and my love for helping people. I occasionally had days or weeks of “shutdown” (I only recognise this as neurodivergent shutdown now) when I overwhelmed myself. I wasn’t great at important things like eating well, sleep, and exercise, but I managed to scrape by without any serious effects.
I’m still not 100% sure if it’s ADHD, but I’m very confident. Will hopefully find out in the next month.
ADHD makes getting important things done much harder than it should. This meant I was either getting myself overwhelmed by paralysis or draining my energy by powering through.
Losing my brother, Neil
At the end of 2024, my brother, Neil, took his life. This destabilised me in multiple areas: shock, grief, spiritually, and confidence. I couldn’t understand why God would betray me like this? I was afraid for myself as I saw Neil as better than me. I was worried about other people I thought were doing well. I had regrets for things I didn’t say or do. I would never get to see Neil getting married, his grandkids, or his business I was sure he would create. Everything I was sure of I wasn’t anymore.
Meeting new people was the worst, they didn’t know what was going on, and telling them didn’t seem right or appropriate. I found myself masking. Trying to be professional, attentive, and friendly when all I wanted to do was talk to my comfort people. I couldn’t see much of my comfort people as I found basic life and work taking up most of my time and I didn’t have the energy to organise anything.
Who are you God? And why?
I thought I understood God well. He looked after me, made sure nothing bad ever happened, and everything would work out for me and those I cared about by extension.
My brother had genuine and deep faith. He asked real questions, showed love to those around him and put his faith in Jesus.
I wasn’t aware I had an incorrect assumption that those who where God’s friends/children would prosper. When I write it out like that, it sounds like prosperity gospel 101. We are promised “life to the full”, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be in this life, but rather that it will be in the new creation, with echoes in this creation.
Attached to these expectations and assumptions was a feeling of confidence and safety in this world that I had attached to my assurance of salvation. So when I lost the confidence and safety, I lost what I felt was “God” to me. Losing this sent me into a spiral of being sure and unsure, confident and then lost.
The gospel also felt very lackluster, what’s the point of Jesus dying when we can have bad mental health and end up dead. My vocation as a uni campus missionary felt very shallow and full of hollow hope.
After several months of navigating all this chaos, I found my way back through recognising that God the Father lost Jesus, his son, on the cross, and that he had experienced similar loss and seeing his son go through incredible pain. The gospel wasn’t also that we would be in a safe place after dying, but also that we would rise again to new life (and “life to the full”) like Jesus did through the power of God. Recognising that Neil was only gone for now, and that like Jesus, Neil would have “life to the full”.
Learning to recognise my mission and ministry as not trying to give people the hope of a perfect life now, but hope of new life through Christ helped me to rebirth my passion for people but with more realistic understanding of what to expect and what our sure hope as Christians really is.
Where am I now?
I’m doing better. I’m working to adjust my role with Power to Change to better suit my ADHD brain. Through the help and generousity of friends and family the finances and stuff for our wedding has come together so I don’t need to stress about it. I better understand myself and how I work best. I’ve come to be in a place of acceptance of losing Neil more consistently than the other phases of grief. I’ve rebuilt the basic foundation of my faith in a way that doesn’t rely on things going well. And hopefully, in a months time I will have better insight and coping methods for ADHD.